Ep 609 “Battle of the Bastards”

The penultimate episode of the season is always a good one and this one didn’t disappoint. I don’t know how I’m alive and not a white walker because I think I held my breath the entire episode. Baby Rickon bit it, the Starks have taken back Winterfell and Ramsay is canine food!

Arguably one of the most violent episodes yet, people were getting killed left and right. And not just in Winterfell. Mereen had some violent deaths as well. Mereen is getting hit on both sides. While boats are setting off burning catapults, poor souls outside the gates are getting slaughtered by the Sons of the Harpy. As they are being pounded, Dany asks for an explanation from Tyrion. He tells her he made a deal with the masters to make peace. Things happen though and not everyone is honorable to live up to their deals. The masters can’t let Mereen succeed because it will prove that slavery is an old practice that is no longer needed and the masters know that. Dany sees his point and asks, “Shall we begin?” She wants to defeat the masters and burn their cities to the dirt. Tyrion reminds her that her father felt the same way when he thought he might lose against Robert’s Rebellion. King Aerys was going to blow up Kings Landing with wildfire killing the innocent and guilty alike. That is why Jaime killed him. Tyrion suggests an alternate approach. They meet with the masters who lay out the terms of her surrender. They tell Dany to flee Slavers Bay on foot like the beggar queen she is. Since they consider them stolen, the masters will keep her Unsullied as well as the scribe Missandei and sell them to the highest bidder. The dragons must also be slaughtered. When they are finished, Dany tells them they are there to discuss the master’s surrender, not hers. They think she is crazy and tell her that her reign is over, but she tells them, “My reign has just begun.” Drogon flies up, landing on top of the pyramid. He climbs down to Dany upon her bidding, whereupon she mounts him to fly toward the master’s ships. As she does so, the other two dragons break out of the pits below the pyramid to help her and Drogon out. They attack a few ships so the masters can see what dragons can do. Outside the gates of Mereen the Dothraki finally arrive (I realize they didn’t have dragons) and attack the Sons of the Harpy. Grey Worm gives the soldiers of the masters an ultimatum. They can stay and fight for their masters or leave and become free men. Guess which option they choose? Tyrion thanks the masters for adding to their armada and lets them know that since they violated the pact one of them will have to die. Ofcourse, two of the masters turn on the third. Their rationale is that he was lowborn and not one of them. (Um, buddy I don’t think claiming someone lowborn should be killed is going to help you out.) The master they throw under the bus kneels down to be killed, but Grey Worm slaughters the other two masters instead. Tyrion tells the surviving master to go home and remind his people what happened when Dany and her dragons came to Mereen. They are not to exact vengeance or retribution.

Theon and Yara arrive in Mereen and present themselves to Dany. This is one of my favorite scenes as Dany and Yara trade jabs in an almost fun-loving way with Yara even hitting on Dany. Tyrion says he remembers the last time he saw Theon in Winterfell. He made fun of Tyrion, but he doesn’t look so cocky now. They also still think he killed Bran and Rickon. Theon tells Tyrion and Dany he did not murder the Stark boys and that he had paid for every bad thing he did. He and his sister brought Dany 100 ships that are hers if she will back Yara as queen of the Iron Islands. Dany asks why she wouldn’t back Theon considering he is a man and the Iron Islands have never been ruled by a queen. Yara spits back that Westeros has never been ruled had a queen either. They also quip over their bad fathers who were both usurped. Theon and Yara tell Dany that Euron is coming for her so he can give her ships as well as his big cock. They say Euron will murder her after he has her dragons. All they want is to live and rule the Iron Islands in peace. Tyrion is concerned that the other kingdoms will ask for independence as well, but Dany says they will worry about that later. She agrees to back Yara as long as the Ironborn agree to stop reaving and raping. She says their fathers were evil and left the world a worse place than they found it, but Dany and the others will leave the world a better place. Yara agrees to Dany’s terms.

Now to the big one we were all waiting for this season. The epic “Battle of the Bastards” was directed by Miguel Sapochnik who also directed last season’s penultimate episode, “Hardhome.” Before the epic battle begins Jon, Sansa, Ser Davos and Lyanna Mormont (man I wish she had some lines in this one) treat with Ramsay and his men. As they make their way toward Ramsay, Jon tells Sansa she doesn’t have to go with them, but she says she wants to go. Ramsay thanks Jon for returning his wife safely. He also demands Jon kneel before him and recognize him as the Warden of the North. Then Ramsay will pardon him for “deserting” the Night’s Watch. (I guess Ramsay doesn’t know Jon died and was brought back to life. Not that he’d believe it.) Jon challenges Ramsay to single combat, but Ramsay just laughs and says he has heard stories of how great Jon is at swordplay. If he fights Jon, he doesn’t know if he could win. He knows his army can win though. Jon asks, “Will your men want to fight for you when they hear you won’t fight for them?” Ramsay threatens to kill Rickon if they don’t surrender. Sansa asks for proof that he actually has Rickon so he throws Shaggy Dog’s head at them. She tells Ramsay he is going to die tomorrow so he better sleep well. Ramsay replies by complimenting her as a fine woman who he can’t wait to have back in his bed. He also threatens that when after they lose he will set his dogs on them. He hasn’t fed them in seven days so they will be nice and hungry.

They go back to camp where Jon, Davos and Tormund discuss battle plans. Poor Tormund doesn’t understand military terms so Jon has to dumb it down for him. They decide to dig trenches on both sides of their camp so Ramsay’s men can’t attack them there and they also need Ramsay to attack them first. So, Jon’s side needs to play defense. When the others leave, Sansa warns Jon not to fall into Ramsay’s trap. She knows him better than any of them (given the fact that they just met him) so she can give them insight. Jon finally concedes to hear Sansa out. She says they won’t get Rickon back because he is Ned Stark’s only living male heir. Ramsay wants Jon to make a mistake and they can’t afford to fall into his maniacal trap. She still thinks they should wait for more men, but Jon says there are no more men and battles have been won against greater odds. She proclaims she will not go back to Ramsay alive because she can’t go through that again. Jon says Ramsay will never touch her again and that he will protect her, but Sansa says, “no one can protect anyone.”

Tormund and Ser Davos take a stroll around the camp. Tormund can see that Davos wants revenge for his fallen king. He says he loved Mance just as Davos loved Stannis, but they believed in the wrong men. They were kings and Jon isn’t a king. When they get to Tormund’s tent, he offers Davos some soured goats milk (wildling moonshine). Davos refuses saying he will walk around the camp all night until he ends up in the woods shitting. Tormund leaves him to it saying, “Happy Shitting.” As Ser Davos wanders he finds what’s left of the pyre where Shireen was burned along with the wooden stag he made for her. He knows Melisandre is not telling the real story of what happened to Shireen and in my opinion, has a strong feeling that Melisandre sacrificed/burned her to the Lord of Light.

Jon visits Melisandre to inquire why she wasn’t at the war council. She says she is not a soldier and it was not her place. He asks for her advice (Jon don’t fall into her trap) and her reply is, “don’t lose.” He says not to bring him back if he falls. She tells him if he dies she must try to revive him. She only does what the Lord of Light commands by interpreting his signs. He asks why he is special and she says she doesn’t know for sure.

The morning of the battle arrives. Jon rides to the front of the men as they stare across the battlefield at Ramsay’s army. They are waiting for Ramsay’s first move and it is an unexpected one. Ramsay parades Rickon, tied up with rope like a leash, out to the front lines. Jon sees his brother and also sees Ramsay pull out a dagger. Ramsay doesn’t stab or cut Rickon’s throat though. Instead he cuts the boys ties and tells him to run toward his brother as fast as he can. Rickon hesitantly starts running, but as expected this is a trap. Once Jon realizes what is going on he climbs on his horse and rides to retrieve his brother. Rickon runs across the field trying to make it to safety as Ramsay is shoots arrows at him. Ramsay misses with the first, second and third arrow. Jon is so close to Rickon almost touching his hand, but Ramsay looses his fourth arrow and it goes right through Rickon’s chest. Tormund and Ser Davos know that Jon will now attack Ramsay instead of waiting for him to start the battle. Tormund and his wildlings start running to Jon’s aid as Ramsay’s cavalry begins making it’s way towards the wildling army. Just as we think Jon is going to face the cavalry all by himself the wildling army is there to help him. Ramsay has his men shoot arrows into the fray not caring if he kills his own men in the process. The bodies are piling up. Davos was holding some of the men, but the battle is so brutal that he decides they should charge as well. Once they are all out there a group of Bolton men with shields come around and pin them in a circle. They push forward sticking spears into the wildlings. It’s like the trash compacter scene in Star Wars, but worse. The giant, Wun Wun, kicks some ass and they try to break the Bolton lines, but they are stuck. Tormund comes face to face with Smalljon Umber and they have a brutal fight ending in Tormund biting out Smalljon’s throat. (Yes! Since the Umbers live at the Last Hearth they have had many run-ins with the wildlings and they are fierce enemies. The fact that they turned over baby Rickon to Ramsay is the last straw.) Jon is slowly suffocating under a pile of hundreds of bodies. He struggles to get out in the most nerve-wracking moment of the episode. I know we all held our breath wondering if this was his end. It couldn’t be though, he had to be brought back for a reason. He finally manages to climb out from under the mass grave and continue to fight.

Just as all hope seems lost, (finally!) we hear a horn and it’s not more of Ramsay’s men. It’s Sansa and Littlefinger with the army from the Vale. They advance and quickly break through the Bolton lines rescuing what is left of Jon’s army. Seeing that he is now fucked, Ramsay tries to retreat inside Winterfell, but Jon ain’t gonna let that happen. He, Tormund and Wun Wun the giant go after Ramsay and Sansa watches from afar. Ramsay gets inside the gate and shuts it, but wait it’s being rammed. The giant, Wun Wun is punching through. (Hmm, Ramsay, bet you wish you had a giant.) Ramsay knocks his arrow and shoots as Wun Wun comes through. Others are shooting arrows at the poor giant as well. He is covered in arrows, but he breaks through. Wun Wun, Tormund and Jon walk into Winterfell (yay!). Wun Wun has pretty much had it. (He could be the last giant. The others were killed while fighting with Mance against the Night’s Watch and if there are any more they are hidden far up north beyond the Wall.) Jon looks at Wun Wun realizing what the giant has done for him and that he may be the last giant and dying. As they exchange a look an arrow goes through Wun Wun’s eye killing him. Ramsay says he’s reconsidered Jon’s offer of single combat, but he’s going to use his bow and arrow. He starts to shoot arrows as Jon walks towards him, but Jon picks up a Bolton shield and Ramsay’s arrows are blocked by it. Jon reaches Ramsay and butts him in the head with the shield. Once Ramsay falls to the ground Jon punches him over and over again as Ramsay smiles and laughs. Jon only stops once Sansa enters Winterfell. They have taken the castle and we see the Bolton banners replaced by the Stark direwolf sigil! Finally, six seasons in the making for the Starks to get back home.

Now that the battle is over Davos is walking around Winterfell and has his eye on Melisandre. He definitely has an inkling that she burned the princess Shireen and he is not about to let her get away with it. Some men carry Rickon in on a stretcher and Jon decides he will be buried next to their father in the crypts of Winterfell. Sansa wants to know where Jon is holding Ramsay. She goes to see him tied up in his cell. He tries to play games with her telling her that if she kills him he will still always be a part of her. She replies that even though that may be, his name, his house and all memory of him will die never to be remembered. A side door opens and some of his dogs walk into the cell. He says his dogs will never harm him because they are loyal, but she reminds him he hasn’t fed them in seven days. He even said so before the battle. One of the dogs comes up to his face smelling the blood on him and licking her chops. (All of Ramsay’s dogs were female.) He tells the dog to get down, but the starving dog bites into his face and then the others rip him apart. (We only get to see the first bite and I don’t consider myself a violent person, but man was that good.)  Sansa walks away, hearing Ramsay’s screams and smiles to herself.

What a terrific ass-kicking episode. Everyone we wanted to came out on top. All of the wishing and hoping paid off. I was so scared we would lose someone so dear to all of us. I do hate that baby Rickon (he will always be baby Rickon to me) had to die, but really how could he get out of that situation. He could’ve at least zig-zagged to make it harder for Ramsay to hit him. But I give him a pass, he is young and he didn’t really have a chance. Luckily Tormund was able to rip Umber’s throat out so that was some revenge. Dany was able to kick some master ass and she is now able to get Viscerion and Rhaegal to follow her and Drogon. I am ready to find out who the other two dragon riders are, but I fear I won’t find that out until George RR Martin releases “Winds of Winter” or “A Song of Summer,” or until the next season of GoT. And then maybe she will finally head to Westeros, because let’s face it. The Night’s King is coming and they will need those dragons to fight the Wights and White Walkers. The Starks are back in charge of Winterfell, but still have lots of people to contend with. If they can get rid of Cersei I think the others (Kevan Lannister and the Tyrells) will bargain with the Starks. Tommen is certainly innocent of Ned’s death. I don’t know where Jaime would fit into that. I’m definitely on the side of Dany ruling the Iron Throne, but I don’t want Tommen to get killed unless it’s just absolutely necessary. He is kind of stupid. The tide is definitely going to shift because as I stated above, they are going to have to fight the “long night” that is coming.

So, next weeks episode is the season finale and will be 75 minutes long. I’m so excited to get almost 20 extra minutes of show. They seem to be cramming a lot into those 75 minutes including Loras and Cersei’s trials. (Loras did not look good.) Jon will try to convince Sansa to trust him. Plus, what will Sansa owe Littlefinger now that he came to her rescue? I don’t think she owes him a damn thing after he gave her to Ramsay. And WTF is up with Dorne? All we know is that a bunch of crazy bitches are now in charge…

Until next week, “Happy Shitting!”